What’s a woman to do?

So fellow bloggers…what would you do? How would you respond or recommend I do?

  My head no longer trusts my heart!

 Dear ___Me_______:

First, you are so much more the woman I seek than is ____________.

I have been hanging on to a fantasy that this European woman was exotic and had the key to my soul.

I sought excitement in a land of my parents, and had made previous plans to come here and visit and perhaps make some irrational dream come true. 

I met you and with the simple brush of your hand, I knew there was a woman that moved me deeply from the start.  Was I wrong?  I think not.  In terms of timing, I wanted to hold on to you and at the same time wanted to figure out if my illusions had any reality behind them.  They don’t.

Why did I pursue you?  It was natural and totally comfortable.  It is who I am and yet, such automatic certainty must always be questioned in my mind.  It is like “Green-light City” where all traffic signals are green and you roll down the road and let the cares of driving vanish only to be hit by a truck that runs the last light.  And so, in a way, it was a short ride and without serious injuries other than to the heart.  I am sorry for being such an irresponsible driver.  I know my passenger is alive and well.  I wanted it to work with you and me, I just didn’t have the balls to cancel the trip here and get on with my life with you. 

I have had a pleasant time here in Europe, but there is no love here.  I will return home in about two weeks and I will make an effort to see you in person, if not to re-kindle our flame, then just to settle-up and say you were a rocket ship that took me to the stars that was unguided and crashed shortly after take-off.  All the pieces are on the ground and repair from the engineer’s perspective is possible.  You don’t know this about me yet, but I do like to salvage things and give them new life.  Usually they have suffered abuse at the hands of others.  I think I might have destroyed this situation beyond repair and don’t have the tools to re-create it.

I will gain those tools and if you are not the object of this repair, I will find a person who will be happy to have me in their life.  I would like it to be you, but that’s all voluntary and would only happen with the work I need to put into it to make it a fine running machine — with the love that makes a machine a living organism and capable of sustaining itself – with growth and passion.

Lot of words… they must be followed with actions.  I would not have revealed all of this had I not the belief I would be a better person as a consequence of admitting this embarrassment.

With the thought of what we once had so close to our hearts,

My Lover