Too early to tell!

My lover is back.  He’s returned home early and seems intent to win me back.  He is contrite, he is humble.  He is falling all over himself to declare himself to me.  I remain strangely unmoved.  Not so much numb as low, unresponsive, looking for meaning.  WTF!  I feel like I can’t move forward and I can’t move back.  His touch still insights a response;  I arch forward seeking him and I melt against his body but it’s physical, not mental now.  It’s mellow and the electricity is muted, hopefully not lost forever.

I want him, but don’t yearn for him.  He seems a mere mortal man.

Do I believe him?  I think so….but not hook, line and sinker.  It’s way too early to tell.

Such is the price of betrayal.  Such is the price of my love.

Hope vs. reality

I’m finding it easier to move on this time as compared to the last time I got dumped.  I’m not sure why this is.  Have I adjusted my self concept to include “dumpee” or is it merely the triumph of hope over experience?

I feel strangely sad.  Not in the despairing way; in the way that signifies resignation and sorrow over lost potential.  I had invested a lot in my Lover.  I saw us moving down the relationship continuum and I felt peacefully content and softly excited.  It wasn’t the anxiety and anticipatory fear I’ve experienced before in some relationships.  It felt quiet, secure.

As I’ve thought about it in the process of writing this post, what occurs to me is that I knew at some level he really did love me.  It was a secure love, not a gaming love of conquest and notches in bedposts.  It  was also an imperfect love and a lot of that was about him and his failure to decide; his failure to make a choice and commit.  It was about his narcissism and his wish that there could be a perfect somebody for him. It was about his inability to mature into selection.  It was about his inability to reconcile hope and reality.

So does this leaves me off the hook so that I can feel good about my behavior in this relationship?  That would be self-satisfying but wholly untrue.  On my part, I brought all of my issues and laid them at his feet, trusting him to take care and be gentle.  And he was caring and gentle to the best of his ability.  I, in my rush to be intertwined with another failed to use caution; failed to vet my source; failed to support myself (probably the greatest of all my sins).

He’s still in contact with me, asking for a chance.  If I’m honest, I’ll admit to being glad he’s reaching out.  I don’t want to be without him yet.  I don’t want to have to face the reality of who he is.  I just want to hope.

What’s a woman to do?

So fellow bloggers…what would you do? How would you respond or recommend I do?

  My head no longer trusts my heart!

 Dear ___Me_______:

First, you are so much more the woman I seek than is ____________.

I have been hanging on to a fantasy that this European woman was exotic and had the key to my soul.

I sought excitement in a land of my parents, and had made previous plans to come here and visit and perhaps make some irrational dream come true. 

I met you and with the simple brush of your hand, I knew there was a woman that moved me deeply from the start.  Was I wrong?  I think not.  In terms of timing, I wanted to hold on to you and at the same time wanted to figure out if my illusions had any reality behind them.  They don’t.

Why did I pursue you?  It was natural and totally comfortable.  It is who I am and yet, such automatic certainty must always be questioned in my mind.  It is like “Green-light City” where all traffic signals are green and you roll down the road and let the cares of driving vanish only to be hit by a truck that runs the last light.  And so, in a way, it was a short ride and without serious injuries other than to the heart.  I am sorry for being such an irresponsible driver.  I know my passenger is alive and well.  I wanted it to work with you and me, I just didn’t have the balls to cancel the trip here and get on with my life with you. 

I have had a pleasant time here in Europe, but there is no love here.  I will return home in about two weeks and I will make an effort to see you in person, if not to re-kindle our flame, then just to settle-up and say you were a rocket ship that took me to the stars that was unguided and crashed shortly after take-off.  All the pieces are on the ground and repair from the engineer’s perspective is possible.  You don’t know this about me yet, but I do like to salvage things and give them new life.  Usually they have suffered abuse at the hands of others.  I think I might have destroyed this situation beyond repair and don’t have the tools to re-create it.

I will gain those tools and if you are not the object of this repair, I will find a person who will be happy to have me in their life.  I would like it to be you, but that’s all voluntary and would only happen with the work I need to put into it to make it a fine running machine — with the love that makes a machine a living organism and capable of sustaining itself – with growth and passion.

Lot of words… they must be followed with actions.  I would not have revealed all of this had I not the belief I would be a better person as a consequence of admitting this embarrassment.

With the thought of what we once had so close to our hearts,

My Lover

Sex, lies, alcohol and wishing you were dead…

This from the man who said he loved me; that he wanted to create his and my ideal world together;  who introduced me to all of his friends and family.   What a fool I was ….!

My dear ___(Me)____________:
Coming clean with you, I am not well emotionally. I have been living multiple lives or perhaps, multiple lies. Something I’ve always instructed my son of the only two things I hold high: trust and respect. He is exemplary in those areas.
But he has made note of the fact that dad is not practicing what he preaches. Well, as ours is a new and budding relationship, my desire is to get it right and start with a slate, not smudged with the stains of anything less than pure honesty. The respect will take care of itself. My first and hopefully last untruth is that I went to Europe to be with my cousin. But the real reason was to see a very nice woman I have been courting for several years. I held it in my mind that we had a future that would involve marriage. As much as my illusions would like that, It’s impractical from several perspectives.

You are not a second-string candidate by any means. I think we think and laugh freely and likely represent w better match. I intend to come home soon and seek some counseling for my behavioral issues. This was recommended to me by one of my dearest friends who is completely honest in her appraisal of me.

I don’t know if my admission of this will slam the door on our relationship, or make It stronger. I know that I must stop the lies in order that I don’t self-destruct and become useless to everyone. I am proud and a good man. This character flaw is one I believe I can overcome with support of those who love me (there are a few and not just past lovers). If you would like to accompany me on this journey, armed with this knowledge, I think we could make something of it.

Sending you my deepest regards,
(My Lover)

There is a use for alcohol when it can induce the sleep of the dead….or those who might wish to be.

Take me I’m yours!

My lover (who has abandoned me for a MONTH-LONG vacation in Europe – Snif),  just sent me a message entitled “Givers and Takers”.   He related, “I feel that this trip is hedonistic and not in keeping with my desire to share these mostly fun experiences.”  While I’m not exactly sure what this meant for him in particular it got me thinking about the concept of give and take in relationships.

My response was, in part, “I too struggle with understanding the balance between give and take.  It’s never been something I have been able to intuitively relax into.  So, if it helps at all, I see you as a giver!  It’s one of the things I adore about you…you can actually “out-give” me…a professional giver.  This “talent” serves me very well in my profession; not so well at times in my interpersonal relationships.”

So are we born givers or takers or are we made to be one of the other?  The quintessential Nature vs. Nurture argument.  My mother, was definitely a taker!!!  Was she born that way or created?  She came to life as a beautiful and intelligent child and the first girl in many generations.  Her family treated her as a princess and she assimilated the role with intelligent aplomb.  She was charming, engaging and witty but ultimately toxic and self absorbed.  I vote for the influence of nurture in this case.

My response to my mother’s narcissism was to become “other-centered”.  My life was all about watching and anticipating the needs of others, lest I get side-swiped by the emotional backhand of the oh-so-important other.  This generated well developed perceptive skills which I have used to create a successful career.  (I work in psychology, or was that already obvious to you?)  It also left me rather paranoid and un-trusting. I grew up always finding it not just important but imperative  to know what others wanted and this left no time to learn what I wanted or needed.  And I certainly didn’t know how to ask to have my needs met.

So….just ask and take me away!

Help!!! Give me an L…word

Seriously, I need your help!  I told my lover that I loved him and this is a good thing (he said it first).  However, as I’ve thought more about it, this isn’t love…not quite yet.  It’s more than infatuation and a bit more than lust.  So how does one define that state of total enthralling connection to another person when one really does not yet fully know the object of desire?

Are there word-smith’s out there who can help create a new word?  Neologisms wanted.

Disconnect

 I need a hug.  I awoke to find myself disconnected from important items today.  My coffee pot will not respond to my touch no matter how sweetly or provocatively I approach it…I may need to use the vibrator..lube?  My computer, at first frozen eventually responded nicely to the threat of being thrown over the balcony. Then, there was you and as hard as I tried to reach out…I could not find purchase. 

Lover trust.

There may be times that I struggle to accept and internally integrate your love for me.  In my life, love has often been the close companion of betrayal; the best friend of the insanity of push and pull.  Intermittent reinforcement leaves one unstable, reaching but unable to find purchase, wanting.

 I say none of this to give you responsibility, these are my ghosts.  Mostly I want you to know that I’m working on that hollow, suspicious space and ask for your occasional patience.

 Much love,

 Me

 

What I did on YOUR summer vacation. (My lover is away, Part II)

So far I:

Went to a concert

Consulted with OB/GYN

Went to a Play

Thought about you

Went out to dinner with Friends

Danced till I dropped

Masturbated

Comforted a friend who lost her love

Played Cars with a 3.5 year old

Threw a party

Smiled while I thought of you

Masturbated

 And then I think I fell in love.

 How about you?

Expecting-Oh no, not at my age.

I came to a realization this morning – I don’t expect to be taken care of.  I am a child of the 50’s and 60’s, a time of change, diversification, liberation and self actualization.  I responded to these themes and others in my life and became an independent woman and in doing so, lost some of my femininity.

In actuality I don’t want to be taken care of.  I don’t trust it and learned early in life that I couldn’t rely on it (long story!).  This has become a bit of an issue in my relationships.  Relationships grow and thrive based on mutual trust and reliance.  I don’t trust and I fear relying.  Accordingly, I have subconsciously chosen men who either don’t want or need to be relied upon or are untrustworthy.  Bummer!

So, I am going to work on expecting!